Out of My Mouth, My Heart Speaks

Personal testimony and this will be the most vulnerable thing I share... But often ppl ask do I want kids and I quickly say no.  For so long it's been a fear of mine. Ive always said that I never wanted to jack my kids up like my parents jacked me up. I present well. Bachelors degree, Masters degree,  a heart for the community,  etc.  But I would trade all of that just to have a relationship with my parents.... My biological father had a monkey on his back while my mom was present but absent. I fear I have no motherly instinct and it's hard for me to form emotional connections because I never had anything to connect to outside of work... I overcompensate for the lack thereof. My mother and I hung up the phone today and the call made me question, did I just have a conversation with the person who birthed me or someone I met yesterday? In that moment I realized how I've let them robbed me of an opportunity....to give life.  Now I don't want kids tomorrow but I...

I am the type of person that when I put my mind to something, I do it. No hesitations. But for a few years now, I've been struggling with my yes to God. My last church experience, left me with so may questions and thoughts that I vowed that I would only attend church but I wouldn't join a church, nor would I get to know anyone at or from the church. For a while, about a year, I didn't even go to church. Then after a while, I began to visit different one's in the city and couldn't find one, which was okay with me, that became another excuse for me not to attend. Eventually, I found a church, but I would only go on Weds. Sunday's, were still out the question. I began to feel like I was missing something... and I was, the further away from church, the further away I was from God...no, church doesn't equal relationship but I didn't have that either. I allowed my last church experience to get me out of relationship. And I was less trusting of clergy than ev...

What you see, is NOT what you get. You often only see or know what an individual wants you to know. I often refer to this as surface level information. Also, on the surface level are often manifestations of behaviors and speech. But under the surface, lies so much more. Things under the surface, control surface level behaviors. And these are the things that often go unnoticed and are often suppressed/not discussed. Often the mystery of our iniquity. Top: Behavior Middle: Understanding Bottom: Mindset Top: In counseling, (Masters in Rehabilitation Counseling) we address the behaviors that manifest but we understand that the behavior is normally something unseen or unspoken that is now acted out. This is often what most respond to, the behavior. But what happens when someone is angry because they have been abused...is the anger addressed or the abuse? Both! But address what comes first. Behaviors are easily corrected. But let's not continue to put Band-Aids on wounds...

We are 6 months into the year...meaning 2013 is half way over. Umm I'm not sure how to describe this year just yet...a lot has happened thus far. I lost my best friend of 7 yrs, not in death but our relationship was on life support and I eventually pulled the plugged. I've been sick more these last 6 months then I've been in my lifetime. I dropped out of school with only 1 class left, due to no desire n time. I left my family n church of 3 yrs due to the lack of passion. I've been involved with some1 I shouldn't be n Im not sure how to end it due to my brain losing the battle to my heart. And lastly,I've decided to pack up and leave the place I've called home the last 8 years n reunite with the place I was running from. That place birthed a wounded, hurt, molested, unwanted, unloved, suicidal girl who found lust in boys n used school, homework n books as the escape of her reality. Now that lil girl meets the woman who feels unwanted yet loveable becuz God 1s...

I wrote this a while ago...but it spoke to me today so I wanted to post it. You say you serve the ONE true God but yet there are many before HIM. He may not be a fat man named Buddha. But simply your B.U.D.D.Y. 2 out of the 10 states, you should have no other God's before HIM. Which simply means choose ye this day whom you will serve. Service means to be a servant...who are you giving your order to? Anything that gets most/all of your time is your god. And it's possible to serve more than just one. Money. Yes it is the root of all evil, you on the grind, you say you chasing it but yet you claim to be chasing after HIM. (Sing, I'm chasing after you, no matter what I have to do cause I need you more and more.) Not to mention the power you are seeking. Seek HIM 1st. Love or should I say lust is consuming your life like a fire. Trying to throw water on flames when the STOP, DROP and ROLL method is needed. You will catch me in the sp...

In a strange place. I can't really describe it, can't seem to put my finger on it or put it into words. I feel so far away from everything but yet so close this is true with my friends, family n God. This is the first time ever in my life that I've never been sure about anything. Not sure of my passion, motivation, my place n the kingdom,my career, school, and pretty much life in general. My moods n emotions are all over the place. No stability. This place is weird. This place is growth. This place is uncomfortable. This place is a transition. The unknown is always questionable. Am I being boxed in?! I hope not- I'm so outside the box. Dynamics of relationships changing. At a stand still but changing and learning so much about myself. Communication becoming so important to me. This place I'm the realist as well as fragile and vulnerable. Walls back up in certain areas. Learning how to love again as well as Trust. My heart is so big it's my strength n my weaknes...