Learning to Let Go

This year for me has been simply the year of letting go. To let go means you r holding onto something that 1.u r attached to or 2. harboring feelings for something or someone. So many times we often say I'm over "it" but don't actually deal with it-whatever that it may be. I've had to deal with some stuff this yr. just to let it go. Dealing with (still in the process) things that I wasn't taught as a child...the 2 I see as issues at 25 are : love and expressing myself. I've never seen love or heard I love u until college. So by this time it was kinda like yea whatever. While in college I wanted to discover what this love thing was,although I had no idea what it was, I wanted to b loved. So of course "he" loved me n i decided well this can't b love and if it is you can keep it. So after a semester of depression..yea depression is real...but the devil is a liar...I learned to love myself, flaws and all. Then I was introduced to "him." And after 5 yrs we r longer together but he taught me what it means to love someone else unconditionally as well as myself. Now I can love but my idea of relationships (any relationship from God to acquaintances) r screwed. I can love but I can't receive love. I can't receive because I have no idea how to. So I think or I have made up in my mind how YOU should act when you enter a relationship with me thus leaving me an emotional wreck n often times hurt. Learning to let go n learning how to set boundaries-so much easier said than done. But I'm learning! In relationships, I expect x,y and z when all that is required is z. Also Learning that I can only control me n any relationship. N not to trip over the things I'm powerless over. Sayin I love u to any1 besides "him" is hard 4 me becuz I never wanna say it n not mean it. Before the Revolution I've never experienced real/genuine love and at times its STILL hard for me to accept it. I often ask myself what did I do to deserve this...becuz b4 the love I received was conditional...what I could do 4 them. I was never taught how to deal with my emotions. U better not cry, u better not say anything back so I've been programmed to shut down when I experience any emotions. Get this: I counsel ppl everyday and God is asking me who will fix me n will i allow him to? He is opening my eyes to the things I need to work on b4 I can continue to serve anyone because I can no longer present this package when I'm actually damaged goods. I asked God to let me minister from a pure place n he said 3 words, Let it go!
So i let go friends, hurt, resentment, disappointment, bitterness jealousy and most importantly Me! But here comes the curve ball, i lose "him" and the resentment n hurt is attached to the ball n I allow it to hit me. So of course I hold on cuz I know what God told me about "him." Wound still fresh but God says Let go...I removed him because you were more dependent on him than you were me...now Trust me!...so I'm letting go. The last thing I have to let go b4 this year is out is being molested...haven't shared this with many only becuz I repressed it n it resurfaced this yr n I talked to Chaconna about things resurfacing and she simply said u need to deal with it thus the reason God made u remember it. I have to deal with it becuz it's tied to so many other things ESP the spirit of sexual perversion. Not sure where to begin but I forgive them...but do I truly? Easy 4 me to say that now because I haven't seen them in years. So I think I'll go sit on someone's couch n work this one out...simply this blog is me learning to let go n let God. And making a conscious effort to love n b loved, be open and express myself effectively-communication is the key for any relationship and to deal with "it" and to let it go before the wound begins to fester.

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