Out of My Mouth, My Heart Speaks

Recently, I've been in conversation with friends, females and "the list" seems to be in most of our conversations about men. All Women, regardless of race or age have "the list." The List is what type of man a woman wants. It's personal preference. But usually the list have similar things on there, like He must know and love God and have a job, etc. The above mentioned are usually on most women's list and most important to most. Of course: looks, a car, apt/house(not living with parents) and some form of education are the jist of the list as well. All of my friends are independent, educated, in their career or working on it...and doing what they got to do. But there's a link missing. No1 to submit to. This could stem from a lot of things: looking in the wrong place, baggage, to independent, the ratio of women to men, etc. But what I see the problem to be, is the list. Most list are not realistic and some of my friends/women in general are not willing...

I am sitting here listening to Kelly Price new CD and a song entitled, "The Rain" comes on. The Lyrics are as follows: It's funny but I can't laugh it's so sad but I cant cry but it doesn't mean there's nothing left inside. I got some nasty scars to prove what I been through I guess it's safe to say that I'm nothing like you. When your smile is your best kept secret when you smile they say girl just keep it desperate for change but things never change. Chorus: So I'd rather stand in the rain through it's poring down on me but its washing all my pain away. The waters rising high it over takes my life lying saturated I am won't let it drown me cause hope has got me floating behind the clouds a rain oh waits for me. Away, away, away...pain. Pain is gone it's raining because it's raining on me draining my pain away its raining washing my pain away washing my tears away. So I'd rather stand in the rain. This song says a lot, its ...

Sat down and I thought I knew what I was gone write about: my christian journey-nope, my testimony, not ready yet, cuz its things in my life that I've repressed and completely wiped out my memory bank, I think Ive only shared with one other person and that's the Gregory Pooh, but I vaguely remember telling him. But Imma write about what I've been struggling with lately. I've been struggling with my FAITH. I spoke with my best friend this morning who is a minister and I was telling her about my lack of faith. It has a lot to do with me trying to be realistic...I have to remember that God is a spirit and he doesn't think how I think, thus the reason I need faith. My bff told me something this morning that has stuck with me all day..."Give him a chance to prove who HE is." I've been doing things on my own without giving God the opportunity to show me who HE is and how HE operates. This is true mainly with my tithes. I've told God time and time again, ...

I've been under attack mentally for the last two weeks....the stress of living God's way and batttling my flesh, mostly my mind...has been a little unbearable...yes, I rock the lastest from, clothes, shoes and a smile, but secretly going crazy. And not to mention this is the season that I have to walk alone. Have friends from h.s, college, and church but I'm alone. Surrounded by many, but I am the only one in the room. I only talk to myself and God...and I even answer myself...so many would say, Im Insane. Thoughts racing, mind bogging things, and I try to escape by sleep, but things appear in my dreams as well...this church memeber that keeps appearing in my dreams???? Many say if it wasnt for God I woulda lost my mind....is it possible Im losing my mind, with God? I mean spirits are attacking me mentally from every angle. Whats the deal? Currently, I am in Dayton Ohio which has been a good thing, no thinking has to be done here....do I need to move from Lex, where things ...

Yesterday one of my friends-well we are rebuilding a friendship gave birth to a 8lb 6oz baby boy...i wasn't there for the actual birth but just being there was amazing. I've never been around a baby the day of birth and I have plenty of God kids. Just being there made me want to be a mom. I wasn't exactly sure until yesterday. Its the most precious thing ever and the greatest gift, another life that you created. But a lot of responsibility comes with that gift. Like anything God gives you. I just wanted to share with someone my over joyous experience about new life. I mean everything about him was just so little and so cute. I WANT ONE! (not anytime soon though). You know the song: first comes love, then comes marriage then comes the baby in the baby carriage.

I thank God for the things I don't deserve. I don't deserve to have such a wonderful family...yes, it may seem dysfunctional to others but to me it is just right and it is mines. I don't deserve awesome friends:the Waymanites , the VIP Crew, my kstate girls, the revolutionaries and to the ones that doesn't fit into a clique, all of them rock. At times, I have been a horrible friend, mostly due to my selfishness and instant gratification but I thank God for the things I don't deserve. I don't deserve G,who he the best boyfriend ever! He is a Man of God and he makes me want to be better. I donut deserve him for I haven't always been the best girlfriend to him, lying and being deceitful . I didn't love myself completely so I couldn't grasp the concept that someone else loved me, regardless and in spite of. It took me a while to realize that true love is possible. And that didn't come until I began to deal with me and go to the places in ...

Tues, had a discussion with my friends from church and the topic of G and I came up...how long we've been dating and when are we going to get married? We've been in each others lives since 2006, we've been serious since 2008. Lately, I've been asking myself the question how long do I wait for the ring? I may not be ready for marriage but yes, I am ready for engagement. Engagement doesn't mean we are getting married the next day, just means we are ready to take our relationship to the next step. After the discussion with friends from church, I spoke with a dear friend, who knows everything about me and about my relationship...she basically told me to wait, don't rush it and to let it go for now. Yep, so I was koo or so I thought...but the next day I still wasn't able to shake it. So, I spoke with another church member about it and this is when I began to cut myself with my own words...told her that I've prayed and prayed and asked God for a sign. Also sh...