Out of My Mouth, My Heart Speaks

We are 6 months into the year...meaning 2013 is half way over. Umm I'm not sure how to describe this year just yet...a lot has happened thus far. I lost my best friend of 7 yrs, not in death but our relationship was on life support and I eventually pulled the plugged. I've been sick more these last 6 months then I've been in my lifetime. I dropped out of school with only 1 class left, due to no desire n time. I left my family n church of 3 yrs due to the lack of passion. I've been involved with some1 I shouldn't be n Im not sure how to end it due to my brain losing the battle to my heart. And lastly,I've decided to pack up and leave the place I've called home the last 8 years n reunite with the place I was running from. That place birthed a wounded, hurt, molested, unwanted, unloved, suicidal girl who found lust in boys n used school, homework n books as the escape of her reality. Now that lil girl meets the woman who feels unwanted yet loveable becuz God 1s...

I wrote this a while ago...but it spoke to me today so I wanted to post it. You say you serve the ONE true God but yet there are many before HIM. He may not be a fat man named Buddha. But simply your B.U.D.D.Y. 2 out of the 10 states, you should have no other God's before HIM. Which simply means choose ye this day whom you will serve. Service means to be a servant...who are you giving your order to? Anything that gets most/all of your time is your god. And it's possible to serve more than just one. Money. Yes it is the root of all evil, you on the grind, you say you chasing it but yet you claim to be chasing after HIM. (Sing, I'm chasing after you, no matter what I have to do cause I need you more and more.) Not to mention the power you are seeking. Seek HIM 1st. Love or should I say lust is consuming your life like a fire. Trying to throw water on flames when the STOP, DROP and ROLL method is needed. You will catch me in the sp...

In a strange place. I can't really describe it, can't seem to put my finger on it or put it into words. I feel so far away from everything but yet so close this is true with my friends, family n God. This is the first time ever in my life that I've never been sure about anything. Not sure of my passion, motivation, my place n the kingdom,my career, school, and pretty much life in general. My moods n emotions are all over the place. No stability. This place is weird. This place is growth. This place is uncomfortable. This place is a transition. The unknown is always questionable. Am I being boxed in?! I hope not- I'm so outside the box. Dynamics of relationships changing. At a stand still but changing and learning so much about myself. Communication becoming so important to me. This place I'm the realist as well as fragile and vulnerable. Walls back up in certain areas. Learning how to love again as well as Trust. My heart is so big it's my strength n my weaknes...

Went to the park today and had a chance to talk, sit and think. As I was sitting there, I noticed the ducks. , just living..so I posed the question to my friend, would he want to be anything else other than human? His answer was no because anything else won't have the opportunity to go to heaven. So this made me think... While I wouldn't want to be anything else, I couldn't help but think about the "no pressure" these ducks have. When they die they just die, no soul to put them in a heaven or a hell. And if you ever have a chance to watch these creatures you notice this freedom that they have....this is the same freedom that humans try to obtain. The ducks were God's way of revealing so much to me about my life. God told me I too could be like these ducks. Not a care in the world, no pressure, and really have the Hakuna Matata attitude but the only way to achieve this is through HIM. That if I live according to HIS WORD there will be no pressure, no heaven ...

I am 26 and I am re-learning pretty much everything, Everything that I was taught as a child and everything that I learned from my mother, family, church family and friends. Currently, I am learning how to love,unconditionally, learning how to trust, removing walls, fences and doors, learning how to give and to receive, learning how to communicate effectively, learning how to express myself, learning the true essence of Ashley N. Browning, learning my likes n dislikes, not to mention discovering passions and gifts but most importantly I'm re learning who God is! Love was never really expressed in my family, I guess it was kinda one of those unspoken things. Words never spoken to convey love, only displayed by material things. But I am a firm believer that no one ever taught my grandparents and parents how to love, so they couldn't model to me how to effectively love. It's more than just saying the 3 words, there has to be action behind the words as well. Love is an act...

This year for me has been simply the year of letting go. To let go means you r holding onto something that 1.u r attached to or 2. harboring feelings for something or someone. So many times we often say I'm over "it" but don't actually deal with it-whatever that it may be. I've had to deal with some stuff this yr. just to let it go. Dealing with (still in the process) things that I wasn't taught as a child...the 2 I see as issues at 25 are : love and expressing myself. I've never seen love or heard I love u until college. So by this time it was kinda like yea whatever. While in college I wanted to discover what this love thing was,although I had no idea what it was, I wanted to b loved. So of course "he" loved me n i decided well this can't b love and if it is you can keep it. So after a semester of depression..yea depression is real...but the devil is a liar...I learned to love myself, flaws and all. Then I was introduced to "him."...

I have to sit down at this desk and write because there are so many things in my head at this time, so I have no idea if this blog will be titled or even if it will make any sense...this is simply me expressing my thoughts. Thought 1: Today, I had one of the toughest conversations ever with someone that I love to life but it was a conversation that needed to happened. Although, I'm still unsure about where we stand, this person knows exactly how I feel and exactly what I expect. Managing relationships are hard work, whether it be a family member, friend, co worker, church member or significant other. But if it's something worth managing you will work it out, tough it out, and shed sweat and tears if you need to, because you see the value in managing it. But when u are the only one managing the relationship, it drains you. I had to cut off my brother, sister and a host of friends because I was the one putting in ALL the work. A relationship is both ways, 50/50, not 75/25. I...