Out of My Mouth, My Heart Speaks

Have you ever felt, you are being overlooked? Have you ever felt that your prayers are not being answered? As, I write this, I envision, myself in a classroom, with my hand raised but no one ever calls on me, or picks me. It feels as if I have been forgotten.  The pain in this, is I feel that God has forgotten about me and I'm disappointed that he has forgotten. The disappointment comes with God being all knowing, so he knows the issues, I've struggled with in the areas of being loved and wanted. Currently, working on it, but I've dealt with abandonment for majority of my life, and yet I feel abandoned yet again.  To many, it doesn't or won't seem that I'm forgotten. Ministry is good, Business is good, the outward is awesome and I know without a doubt those doors are opening because HIS hand is in it...But I am on the quest for my inward to match my outward... I've prayed a specific prayer for the last 5 years and nothing.  No one ha...

Personal testimony and this will be the most vulnerable thing I share... But often ppl ask do I want kids and I quickly say no.  For so long it's been a fear of mine. Ive always said that I never wanted to jack my kids up like my parents jacked me up. I present well. Bachelors degree, Masters degree,  a heart for the community,  etc.  But I would trade all of that just to have a relationship with my parents.... My biological father had a monkey on his back while my mom was present but absent. I fear I have no motherly instinct and it's hard for me to form emotional connections because I never had anything to connect to outside of work... I overcompensate for the lack thereof. My mother and I hung up the phone today and the call made me question, did I just have a conversation with the person who birthed me or someone I met yesterday? In that moment I realized how I've let them robbed me of an opportunity....to give life.  Now I don't want kids tomorrow but I...

I am the type of person that when I put my mind to something, I do it. No hesitations. But for a few years now, I've been struggling with my yes to God. My last church experience, left me with so may questions and thoughts that I vowed that I would only attend church but I wouldn't join a church, nor would I get to know anyone at or from the church. For a while, about a year, I didn't even go to church. Then after a while, I began to visit different one's in the city and couldn't find one, which was okay with me, that became another excuse for me not to attend. Eventually, I found a church, but I would only go on Weds. Sunday's, were still out the question. I began to feel like I was missing something... and I was, the further away from church, the further away I was from God...no, church doesn't equal relationship but I didn't have that either. I allowed my last church experience to get me out of relationship. And I was less trusting of clergy than ev...

What you see, is NOT what you get. You often only see or know what an individual wants you to know. I often refer to this as surface level information. Also, on the surface level are often manifestations of behaviors and speech. But under the surface, lies so much more. Things under the surface, control surface level behaviors. And these are the things that often go unnoticed and are often suppressed/not discussed. Often the mystery of our iniquity. Top: Behavior Middle: Understanding Bottom: Mindset Top: In counseling, (Masters in Rehabilitation Counseling) we address the behaviors that manifest but we understand that the behavior is normally something unseen or unspoken that is now acted out. This is often what most respond to, the behavior. But what happens when someone is angry because they have been abused...is the anger addressed or the abuse? Both! But address what comes first. Behaviors are easily corrected. But let's not continue to put Band-Aids on wounds...

We are 6 months into the year...meaning 2013 is half way over. Umm I'm not sure how to describe this year just yet...a lot has happened thus far. I lost my best friend of 7 yrs, not in death but our relationship was on life support and I eventually pulled the plugged. I've been sick more these last 6 months then I've been in my lifetime. I dropped out of school with only 1 class left, due to no desire n time. I left my family n church of 3 yrs due to the lack of passion. I've been involved with some1 I shouldn't be n Im not sure how to end it due to my brain losing the battle to my heart. And lastly,I've decided to pack up and leave the place I've called home the last 8 years n reunite with the place I was running from. That place birthed a wounded, hurt, molested, unwanted, unloved, suicidal girl who found lust in boys n used school, homework n books as the escape of her reality. Now that lil girl meets the woman who feels unwanted yet loveable becuz God 1s...

I wrote this a while ago...but it spoke to me today so I wanted to post it. You say you serve the ONE true God but yet there are many before HIM. He may not be a fat man named Buddha. But simply your B.U.D.D.Y. 2 out of the 10 states, you should have no other God's before HIM. Which simply means choose ye this day whom you will serve. Service means to be a servant...who are you giving your order to? Anything that gets most/all of your time is your god. And it's possible to serve more than just one. Money. Yes it is the root of all evil, you on the grind, you say you chasing it but yet you claim to be chasing after HIM. (Sing, I'm chasing after you, no matter what I have to do cause I need you more and more.) Not to mention the power you are seeking. Seek HIM 1st. Love or should I say lust is consuming your life like a fire. Trying to throw water on flames when the STOP, DROP and ROLL method is needed. You will catch me in the sp...

In a strange place. I can't really describe it, can't seem to put my finger on it or put it into words. I feel so far away from everything but yet so close this is true with my friends, family n God. This is the first time ever in my life that I've never been sure about anything. Not sure of my passion, motivation, my place n the kingdom,my career, school, and pretty much life in general. My moods n emotions are all over the place. No stability. This place is weird. This place is growth. This place is uncomfortable. This place is a transition. The unknown is always questionable. Am I being boxed in?! I hope not- I'm so outside the box. Dynamics of relationships changing. At a stand still but changing and learning so much about myself. Communication becoming so important to me. This place I'm the realist as well as fragile and vulnerable. Walls back up in certain areas. Learning how to love again as well as Trust. My heart is so big it's my strength n my weaknes...

Went to the park today and had a chance to talk, sit and think. As I was sitting there, I noticed the ducks. , just living..so I posed the question to my friend, would he want to be anything else other than human? His answer was no because anything else won't have the opportunity to go to heaven. So this made me think... While I wouldn't want to be anything else, I couldn't help but think about the "no pressure" these ducks have. When they die they just die, no soul to put them in a heaven or a hell. And if you ever have a chance to watch these creatures you notice this freedom that they have....this is the same freedom that humans try to obtain. The ducks were God's way of revealing so much to me about my life. God told me I too could be like these ducks. Not a care in the world, no pressure, and really have the Hakuna Matata attitude but the only way to achieve this is through HIM. That if I live according to HIS WORD there will be no pressure, no heaven ...

I am 26 and I am re-learning pretty much everything, Everything that I was taught as a child and everything that I learned from my mother, family, church family and friends. Currently, I am learning how to love,unconditionally, learning how to trust, removing walls, fences and doors, learning how to give and to receive, learning how to communicate effectively, learning how to express myself, learning the true essence of Ashley N. Browning, learning my likes n dislikes, not to mention discovering passions and gifts but most importantly I'm re learning who God is! Love was never really expressed in my family, I guess it was kinda one of those unspoken things. Words never spoken to convey love, only displayed by material things. But I am a firm believer that no one ever taught my grandparents and parents how to love, so they couldn't model to me how to effectively love. It's more than just saying the 3 words, there has to be action behind the words as well. Love is an act...

This year for me has been simply the year of letting go. To let go means you r holding onto something that 1.u r attached to or 2. harboring feelings for something or someone. So many times we often say I'm over "it" but don't actually deal with it-whatever that it may be. I've had to deal with some stuff this yr. just to let it go. Dealing with (still in the process) things that I wasn't taught as a child...the 2 I see as issues at 25 are : love and expressing myself. I've never seen love or heard I love u until college. So by this time it was kinda like yea whatever. While in college I wanted to discover what this love thing was,although I had no idea what it was, I wanted to b loved. So of course "he" loved me n i decided well this can't b love and if it is you can keep it. So after a semester of depression..yea depression is real...but the devil is a liar...I learned to love myself, flaws and all. Then I was introduced to "him."...

I have to sit down at this desk and write because there are so many things in my head at this time, so I have no idea if this blog will be titled or even if it will make any sense...this is simply me expressing my thoughts. Thought 1: Today, I had one of the toughest conversations ever with someone that I love to life but it was a conversation that needed to happened. Although, I'm still unsure about where we stand, this person knows exactly how I feel and exactly what I expect. Managing relationships are hard work, whether it be a family member, friend, co worker, church member or significant other. But if it's something worth managing you will work it out, tough it out, and shed sweat and tears if you need to, because you see the value in managing it. But when u are the only one managing the relationship, it drains you. I had to cut off my brother, sister and a host of friends because I was the one putting in ALL the work. A relationship is both ways, 50/50, not 75/25. I...

If you know and talk to me regularly, you know that I just moved this week. Although the moving process, from finding an apartment to actually moving, was probably thee worst experience ever. Even though the experience wasn't pleasant, God used this time to pull stuff outta me. As I was packing, God kept reminding me of two words that HE had spoken over my life for this season, "Brand New." So as I was packing, I started throwing and giving away everything...with no idea of how I would replace any of it...just holding onto "Brand New." A couple Tues ago @ Bible Study,God released me in so many ways, I can't even begin to explain and I still don't know how I ended up in the middle aisle in the front passed out, lol. *Abraham Shrug* When I started packing in the natural, in the spiritual, God told me Everything Must Go. As I began to pack my clothes, God told me to put on my garment of praise, and to pack anything that hindered me before from praising God...

Luke 21: 1-4 And he looked up, and saw the rich men casting their gifts into the treasury. And he saw also a certain poor widow casting in thither two mites. And he said, Of a truth I say unto you, that his poor widow hath cast in more then they all: For all these have of their abundance cast in unto their offerings of God: but she of her penury hath cast in all the living that she had. Read Mark 12: 41-44 as well. As I study this scripture, I can take two things from it, All or Nothing. Or what's insignificant to you is significant to HIM...now that will preach. (I think, lol.) As we see in the scripture, the widow, meaning her husband was deceased so the woman had no income, came and gave her all. Yea, those that were rich casted more but not everything they had. This woman gave 2 mites, which would make a farthing, which is equivalent to 1/4th of a penny. These two coins were all she had, not worth much at all, but she made a huge sacrifice and trusted God and gave he...

I am in a stage in my life where I simply feel like a teenager again. As a teenager you pretty much have that mind set, "I'm grown, I got this." My Parent (God) has been telling me things to do and normally it wouldn't be a problem, but just because HE is telling me I wanna do the complete opposite. Teenage behavior: rebellion. Rebellion is when you refuse to accept authority. God has been telling me to basically get rid of 45% of the people in my life..you are probably thinking, aww that's not bad, it's not, but I've already given up 50% of the people in my life...do the math. HE has been whispering 3 phrases to me everyday about the past month: Everything Must Go, Clean House and Order. And I totally understand why, God is removing people in my life so I can completely and totally trust him, without a doubt. Trust means to believe. I trust you, means I have no doubt in my mind in your honesty, integrity and credibility. Trust is the foundation of a rela...

A secret is something that is not openly made known, not open or public, something that baffles understanding and cannot be explained and lastly, something that should remain hidden from others (especially information that is not to be passed on). Now that the definition has been established one can reflect on or identify with secrets of their own or the secrets of family and/or friends. I've discovered that secrets are a form of selfishness, usually secrets are kept to protect self. Secrets may be beneficial in the beginning but eventually they become toxic. Especially when this secret is a secret sin. Secret sin is that sin no one knows about but you. And that's exactly what the devil wants and how he will continue to work in our lives. The devil can only work in our past and in our shame. Once the testimony is shared, he no longer has power over you. God has been working on me and is still working on me in this area. I am aware of my secret sin but not sure why I'm not a...

Discovery Zone was a franchise similar in nature to Chuck E Cheese but better, if that makes any sense. God dropped into my spirit this morning that this is the season that I am going through. I have to go through this period where I discover who I am but more importantly I have to discover who God is. As I am in discovery mode, I am discovering God to be one but operating in many roles. He has shown himself to me as a provider and protector. And currently I am experiencing him as a father/disciplinary. Discovery Zone had an array of games from arcade games to sports, while in my Discovery Zone I am to determine who my opponent is and Sunday the message helped me to discover that I am MY OWN OPPONENT . And I have to WIN, I have to beat myself, no matter what it takes. I admit its hard...most ppl have some form of addiction, vice or bad habit holding them back, something that can be broken, but when yourself is the hindrance , it's like how do you get rid of yourself but doing th...

Been "churched" all my life. Every since I can remember I've been in church, the same church. Grew up in the A.M.E (African Methodist Episcopal) church...Wayman Chapel A.M.E Church in Dayton, Ohio. While there I was under the leadership of 2 1/2 Senior Pastors. The reason I say half is because the pastor that is currently there was appointed as pastor of Wayman when I was a freshman in college so I've never really been under his leadership. My mother tells me that I was baptized but I do not have any memory of this but I believe it to be true because I've witnessed infants and toddlers in the A.M.E church get baptized. The traditional A.M.E church baptizes in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit (The Trinity). And many times it is done by the sprinkling of the water onto the forehead. So if you asked me if I've ever been baptized, my answer would be Yes. But was I baptized according to the Word, I would have to say No. I believe that deciding to...

This blog is simply to share who Ashley is. Nothing super deep...but I'm sure u will learn something about me you didn't know. Ashley Nicole Browning HE has my Yes! February 9, 1986 25 years old Favorite Colors: Navy Blue and Brown Favorite food: any kind of potatoes 1 brother: DeJuan, 38 2 half sisters: Twyla, 35 and Danyelle, 24 5 nieces and nephews Female crush:Whoppi Goldberg, lol Male Crush is... ( I have a lot) I suck my thumb I have the best boyfriend A boy Maltese: Cloud Johnson B.A in Criminal Justice Master's in Rehabilitation Counseling Passion for helping others. Mom: Eva Browning Sperm donor: Dwight Greathouse Dad: Harold Johnson Music: Neo Soul and Gospel Movies: Eddie and Sister Act 1 and 2 (basically any movie with Whoppi in it) Love to play sports Was natural for 5yrs. Wanna adopt. Wanna own a transitional house. Ph.D seeking...Dr. Browning Goofy and outgoing. Experiencing labor pains More of HIM and less of me. Love my job(s). U will never be the same at.....

The title says it all...I am currently experiencing growing pains and in the midst of growing I'm discovering places in me that I didn't even know existed, good and bad. Dealing with spirits left and right...the spirit of depression, low self esteem, bitterness, jealousy and failure. Taking one step forward and getting knocked back five steps. Not only am I experiencing all the above...this is my season to walk alone so I feel like no one gets me or what I'm going through. In the midst of it all, I am growing, spiritually. Learning that I have no other choice but to trust HIM. In the Word and praying daily, learning to seek his face, getting a Re ma word every Tues and Sun and tithing-trying to consistly . Couldn't ask for a better spiritual journey but this natural thing sucks. Trying to get Ashley back, so this week: no R&B or Rap, no facebook , no twitter,and no phone period. As of right now none of the above until Sat. Why Sat? That will be the next time I...

I get in these moods randomly and the only way to describe them is...I need a change. When I get in this mood, I don't care about most things and usually most people begin to irritate me. During this time, I am usually in my head, thinking. So to many I shut down. When I feel this way, I know that it is time for a change in my life. It can be a minor change or a major change...just as long as it is some form of change. Last change was cutting all of my hair off....not sure what this one will be? But I NEED a CHANGE.